Innocence
by WritingIsMyPassion-Burden
Summary: Beatrice and Tobias met in Abnegation when they were little kids. They were best friends. That is, until Tobias left. Two years later, will they reconnect with each other? And what happened to Beatrice while Tobias was gone?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first story. I'm sorry if it sucks.**

 **Rewritten 06/23/18 because I hated it as it was.**

 _5 years old_

Beatrice walked along the cracked cement walkway with a chubby hand clutching a fistful of her mother's grey robes. Her mother promised to take her and her brother, Caleb, to the park, which made Beatrice practically vibrate with excitement. It took all of her will not to run ahead and pull her mother along in her eagerness. Caleb wasn't quite so excited, but that was okay with her. She was excited enough for the both of them.

First she would go on the swings, and maybe the slide, and then the monkey bars if the big kids weren't sitting on top of them, and then back to the swings. She loved the swings. Oh, she could hardly wait to get there!

When the park came into view, her mother pulled the two children to a stop and recited her playground rules. "Remember to wait your turn, share the equipment, don't run, and don't stray too far." She turned to her eldest. "Make sure Beatrice is playing fair, okay? I'll be just in that building over there, I shouldn't be too long. Go, have fun! No running!" Beatrice slowed her pace but continued to walk as fast as her short little legs could handle in pursuit of the nearby playground.

Her feet kicked up tiny playground pebbles leaving grey dust clouds in her wake as she threw herself as fast as she could into the last unoccupied swing. She swung her legs back and forth forcefully until she was flying through the air, seemingly miles above the heads of the other children. She barely noticed her robe as it cluttered and clapped around her in the wind, but it seemed Caleb had.

"Beatrice! Don't go too high, you'll fall!" But she was too giddy with joy imagining herself as a raven flying through the sky, free to go on as many adventures as it pleased to heed her brother's scolding.

In the corner of her eye she noticed another grey-clothed figure beside Caleb. When she turned her head to look his head quickly swivelled in another direction. Had he been looking at her?

Albeit hesitant, Beatrice turned her focus to her bird-like adventures, picking up the pace with her pumping legs that had gradually slowed during her distraction. She was having a blast, her imagination running wild as she swung back and forth on the creaky old swingset, but she couldn't entirely focus; she could still see the boy staring at her out of the corner of her eye.

Maybe he wanted a turn on the swing. Oh, but she was having so much fun! And she only just got there! Just another minute…

"Beatrice!" She turned add her brothers voice and caught his piercing stare and he jerked his head toward his silent companion and his rose his eyebrows at her. She sighed and dragged her foot against the rocks when she neared the ground.

After kicking the rocks a few more times and coming to a stop she hopped down from the swing and stumbled dizzily toward her brother and the boy. She looked at her brother's toes as she approached the two, her cheeks already pinkening from both her brother's obvious disapproval and the proximity of the strange boy. She looked up when her brother coughed and gestured toward the boy. Even more heat than she thought safe travelled to her face as she hesitantly we met the boys gaze.

"You can have the swing if you want," she said, deciding it was safer to look at his chin rather than his eyes. She shifted back and forth on her feet, eager to get back to playing as much as she was to get out of this conversation.

She saw his jaw tick as his teeth clenched and a second later came is raspy voice. "No, thank you. I don't… like heights very much." His neck turned as pink as hers was, she thought.

Embarrassment forgotten, she straightened and showed him an excited smile, her gray eyes meeting his blue ones. "Oh, but it's so fun! You have to try it. Come, I'll show you." With that little Beatrice grabbed the boy's hand and drag him towards the swing she had abandoned moments before, ignoring his alarmed protests and plopping him down on the seat.

He squirmed in the seat and stuttered as she went to the back of him and pushed on his back as forcefully as she could. He startled and tried to turn and face her. She kept pushing on his back until he turned forward again. "It's okay. You won't get hurt, I'll catch you."

It seemed as though he was not comforted by the thought of the Chihuahua sized girl attempting to catch his much larger form as he seemed to go even more stiff and squirm about.

Beatrice pushed him until he was swinging a good three feet away from the ground before scrambling toward the recently vacated swing to the boy's right. "Swing your legs, like this!" she yelled to him and pumped her legs back and forth, quickly matching his height.

Tobias was terrified. He hated heights, and he hated playgrounds because everything involved heights. Why can't everybody play near the ground, We're following wouldn't kill them? He stared at the ground longingly and fearfully at the same time, wanting to be on it but not if it meant he had to fall and smack into it to get to it. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily through his nose. Swing his legs to go higher? She's dreaming.

He carefully he turned his head toward the little monster that pulled him onto the swing and saw her staring straight up into the sky, smiling as bright as the sun. Hesitantly, he looked up towards the sky as well, mimicking her. It couldn't be worse than looking at the ground.

It was disorienting, seeing all that blue and nothing else, while still feeling the fluttering in the stomach from swinging. It almost felt like falling in that moment. Or flying. Gradually, he felt his cheeks pull up in a wide grin as he imagined himself flying through the sky, free and alone, safe and beautiful.

"It's like flying!" He laughed to the girl.

"I know!" She laughed back.

He looked away from the sky and towards the little blonde Abnegation girl. "I'm Tobias."

She turned to him and smiled even wider. "I'm Beatrice."


	2. Chapter 2

**Edited 07/12/18**

 ** _7 years old_**

I sit in silence, hands folded in my lap. Stiff as a board, but as put together as I could be, considering present company. It is an effort to keep my hands from shaking and the small smile I have plastered across my face from twitching, but I distract myself by focusing on the one piece of decoration I've seen in this dull grey home, so similar to my own. A necklace hangs from a nail in the wall beside a plaque that simply states, "IN LOVING MEMORY OF EVELYN EATON, MAY HER ETERNAL SOUL REST IN PEACE". I turn to Marcus Eaton, who observes me quietly from his position in the chair opposite mine. "Is he okay?" I ask softly.

His frown deepens. He wrings his hands, the silver glint of his wedding band catching my eyes. I flinch at the sight. "He will be," Marcus says just as softly. "He needs time to heal. Please do forgive him for his miscommunication." He leans forward and pushes a cup of tea across the coffee table. "I do hope you find Earl Grey to your liking."

I force a smile at him and grab the proffered tea. After a moment's silence I ask him what I came here to ask. "If it isn't a bother I would like to see him. To see for myself."

He looks at me once more and it's then that I see the dark circles around his eyes, and how his body seems to droop downward. Almost as if Evelyn had dragged him down with her. The sight makes my chest clench. He sighs. "I'm sorry, Beatrice. I don't think now is a good time."

"Please, Mr Eaton, it's been two weeks. I just want to see him for a minute." Tears pool in my eyes but I angrily pull them back. This isn't about me, it's about Tobias.

He sits in silence, considering. I do my best to look as desperate as I feel. After a moment he carefully pushes himself to his feet. "I'll tell him you're here, so he can decide if he's ready to see you or not."

"Thank you, Mr Eaton."

After a few minutes of waiting and my decision that I do not in fact like Earl Grey tea, the stairs give their telltale creak when someone is using them.

Tobias looks worse than Marcus by a long shot. His normally deep set eyes look even deeper with the depth of their dark circles and the red plaguing the rims. His normally tall stature dwarfed by the heaviness of his grief. His nightclothes are rumpled, his hair sticking up in every direction, but it's the way his face crumples when he sees me that has me up and wrapping him in my arms before either of us has said a word.

He clings to me, choking on the force of his own sobs that shake him so violently my own body heaves, his face tucked into my neck. His knees give out and we both end up on the floor, clinging to each other in the middle of his living room. "She's gone, she's dead," he repeats into the skin of my neck.

"I know Toby, I know," I whisper back.

We stay like that on the ground for a long time. Me holding him, him crying quietly, until his tears slow to a stop and a comfortable silence settles between us.

"She wasn't pregnant, you know. Like they said."

I stiffen and pull back just a bit. "What do you mean? She—" _died in childbirth,_ I mean to say, but the words get caught in my throat.

His expression is empty when he says, "No. She didn't. I would've known if she was pregnant, she would've told me. Or if she was pregnant enough to give birth I would have noticed myself."

I stop and think. Had _I_ seen her show any signs of being pregnant? No. Well, I also didn't see her that often, only when I came over to see Tobias. She didn't make a lot of public appearances. And Abnegation robes are thick. Maybe I just couldn't tell. And maybe they were keeping the pregnancy a secret. She _must've_ been pregnant, she had to have been.

"Toby… what else could have happened? She seemed in perfect health every time I saw her, and everybody loves—" I flinch, " _loved_ her. Why would your father lie about her and the baby? He loved her, too." He continues to stare ahead of him blankly, and I realize he's staring at the necklace on the wall.

"Did he?" he whispers. "Love her?"

I rest my cheek on top of his head. "Of course he did. And he loves you. So do I."

Our silence is comfortable, and it wraps around us like a blanket. After a while, he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him. "I miss her."

A single tear runs down my check and into his hair. "Me too," I whisper back.

"I love you, too," he whispers to me.

My heart does a small skip and I smile to the wall in front of me. "I know."

And we stay like that for a long, long time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tobias is two years older than Beatrice, and Caleb is two and a half years older.**

 **Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Veronica Roth.**

* * *

 **Beatrice POV:**

 _ **(12 years old)**_

I try so hard to be perfect. I try to see the attraction of losing myself to become societies robot; a slave to anyone who asks. Like Abnegation members. But I can't. I don't feel the need to help everyone I see, and it scares me. If I'm not Abnegation then what am I?

It all comes so easily to Caleb. He can be selfless without even trying, even on his worst day. I envy his grace and tendencies toward perfection. Compared to him, I'm a walking mistake. But he's still my brother, no matter how bad he hurts me.

I tug my sleeves further down self-consciously, afraid that someone will notice my swollen blue and purple hands. I should've known to help that elderly woman with her bags last night, but no. I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to worry about an old lady in need. And I got punished for it. His voice rings throughout my brain, saying, _Why cant you just do what you're supposed to do? It's not hard, Beatrice._ But he doesn't understand. And smacking my hands with a ruler isn't going to help either of us accomplish anything.

I stroll up and down the rows of identical gray houses, thinking about what life would be like if I decided to transfer. I envision myself dressed in black and white, Candor colors, and saying whatever random thought pops into my head. I envision myself dressed in red and yellow, Amity colors, spreading peace throughout the city. I imagine what it would be like to be asked any question and know the answer right off the top of my head, like an Erudite. But the image in my mind that brings a smile to my face is of myself, dressed in all black, jumping off of trains and scaling three story buildings. Dauntless.

I shake my head, as if to shake the image from my brain. I cannot think like this. I will not transfer.

A strand of hair falls out of the bun at the nape of my neck and I attempt to blow it away from my face, successfully blowing air into my eye and causing my hair to fall even further into my face. I flick my head around like a lunatic for a while, in attempt to move the stubborn strand of hair. What I didn't realize was that I had unknowingly stopped directly across from Tobias's house, and he was now looking out of his window at his best friend failing around in the middle of the street. When I finally get my hair under control and start walking again, I hear a voice that I would recognize anywhere shout out in the distance, "What in God's name are you doing? It looked like you had a seizure."

I turn in the direction the voice was coming from and see Tobias leaning out of his bedroom window with a big smile plastered on his face. "Someone's in a good mood," I tease. "What, no brooding stare off into the distance? I'm shocked."

My dependency on sarcasm is not always appreciated in the good old Abnegation stereotype, but right now I couldn't care less. Tobias excepts me for who I am, flaws and all. That's all that matters to me.

From what I can see he sticks his tongue out at me, then he ducks back into his bedroom. About a minute later, I see his front door open and his tall, skinny form appears through it. His dark brown hair looks messier than usual, like he just got out of bed. He jogs to where I'm standing and stops in front of me. Me, being the short person I am, only reach his shoulders, so I'm forced to crane my neck up at him as we talk.

We walk around for a while with a casual conversation in place, when I notice something odd. Something that looks like a giant cut on his back, peeking out of his gray robe. I catch a bit of bruising around the gash before his clothing shifts again and I can no longer see it. I stop walking and furrow my brows. What the heck was that? Tobias notices that I stopped walking and stops too. He opens his mouth to talk until he sees my hand going to pull down his shirt, then he jerks back as if my touch would burn him. "What are you doing?" he asks with panic lining his every word.

"What was that gash on your back? How did that happen?" I question.

His eyes dart around as if hoping for an excuse to pop out of thin air, as he mumbles out a weak, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it." He quickly starts walking back in the direction of his house.

Since his legs are longer than mine, I have to jog to keep up with him. When I catch up, I grab onto his arm and try to stop him from walking so fast. "Tobias-"

"Just stop okay! It's none of your business!" he explodes. I stop in a stunned silence. He looks at me for no more than a few seconds before ripping his arm out of my grip and almost running back to his house. I watch as he opens his door and disappears inside before tears start slipping down my cheeks.

 **Tobias POV:**

 _ **(14 years** **old)**_

When I get inside the house, I'm careful to be quiet so I don't disturb Father, though all I want to do is put my fist through a wall. I can't believe I was so careless as to let her see my injuries. I told myself before I left that it was a bad idea to leave before I had wrapped up my back, but no. I just had to see her, and now I hurt her feelings.

I sit down on my bed when I get to my room, and I put my head in my hands. I don't know what I'm going to do around her now. If I know her as well as I think I do, she will keep asking until she gets an answer to her questions. And I cannot have that.

While I'm thinking, I almost forget about her hands. I could have swore they had bruises all over them. But I don't know. It was probably just the light hitting her hand in a weird way. Yeah, that's probably it.


	4. Chapter 4

**I hope you all have been enjoying my story so far! Don't forget to review on your** **way out. (The underlined part was part of the actual Divergent book. I didn't write that part.)**

* * *

 **Beatrice POV:**

 _ **(14 years old)**_

Today is the day I've been dreading for half of my life.

When I first met Tobias, I knew he belonged somewhere else. I didn't know where exactly, but I knew he was meant for a life greater than one of a dull Abnegation. But back then, I still wasn't sure what transferring was, so I never feared his absence. I was seven the first time I went to a Choosing Ceremony, which was the day after I found out Evelyn had died. I remember being confused as to why everyone gasped every once in a while, why everyone was cutting their hands open, and why some kids were not going back to where they sat. Some families were angry or crying, while some were happy and relieved. It wasn't until Mom explained to me that those parents who were crying might never see their child again did it sink in. If Tobias transferred, I would never see him again. Unless...

No. I would never be so selfish as to leave my family for my own personal desires. It's not like Caleb would allow it anyways. All the work he put into conditioning me to be the perfect Abnegation would be in vain. Surely, if I transferred he would find a way to make me regret it.

Caleb is choosing today too. In the back of my mind, I've been hoping he transfers. But I know he won't. He belongs here. Over the years, his punishments have been getting worse and worse. About two weeks ago he wouldn't stop kicking me in the ribs after I dropped all my schoolwork on the way down the front stairs at school and was holding up the line trying to pick it back up.

 _Flashback..._

 _I open the front door with Caleb trailing behind me, and I throw my backpack on the dining room table. Today was exhausting. Not only do I have loads of Faction History homework, but now the pages are crumpled and my body aches from falling down the stairs._

 _When I'm halfway up the stairs I feel something grab the back of my robe and pull back, hard. My eyes widen and I grab at the air trying to right myself, before tumbling back down the stairs. When the shock clears, all I can feel is the crippling pain from my tailbone. Before I can yell, Caleb is in front of me dragging my body up by a fistful of hair, so we are now face to face. His face could give anyone nightmares. His brown eyes glare into mine with a vengeance and the sound of his teeth grinding reaches my ears. Spit flies out of his mouth as he screams hurtful things at me. I can only catch small parts of what he's saying, but it's enough to bring tears to my eyes._

 _"What is wrong with you? People have places to be!"_

 _"I can't believe how much of a dumbass you are! Do you even have a brain?"_

 _"You've embarrassed our whole family! After all we've done to help you,_ this _is how you repay us? Are you kidding me?"_

 _He throws me to the ground and punctuates every insult with a kick to my ribs. I curl into a fetal position to protect myself as much as possible. But it doesn't do much. I'm too weak to_ really _protect myself._

 _End of flashback..._

I didn't know what I was being beat for until later on.

Mom and Dad were at a meeting that day, same as every day. They didn't get home until two hours after I woke up in my bed with a wrap around my chest and stomach. (Despite what Caleb does to me, I know he's only trying to help. Though I wish his help was less painful.) They haven't suspected a thing since the beatings started, and I know I will never have it in me to tell them. Besides, who am I to complain about someone's method of teaching? Caleb is Abnegation through and through, and he feels like I'm his responsibility. If anything, I should be thanking him. But why do I feel so awful about it?

I'm still not completely sure what I saw on Tobias's back two years ago, but I think I have a pretty good idea. Either he fell, or he gets punished just like me. I'm pretty sure it's the latter. When I came to that conclusion, I didn't know what to think. But I now know, it can't be just a coincidence that we both get beat. The unlikelyness of it is too much. Physical punishment must be a way of teaching in Abnegation homes. Either that or Tobias and I are just too selfish to tolerate, and I really do not want to believe that.

Tobias didn't talk to me for two weeks after I discovered the cut on his back, and when he finally did, it seemed forced and awkward. I knew he didn't want to talk about it, much like I wouldn't want to talk about my beatings, so I shut my mouth. He's been a little more careful around me ever since that day; I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

* * *

My parents, Caleb and I arrive at the Hub, the building that the Choosing Ceremony takes place in, and my eyes immediately start searching for Tobias. The crowd is a sea of blue, black, yellow, white, and gray. Only a small potion of each faction shows up every year, but there's enough people for the room to looked overcrowded.

As I'm scanning the crowd, I see the leaders standing up on stage, along with Marcus, Tobias's dad. I jog down the steps leading to the stage, squishing between people until I get near the front of the room. I show little hesitation before walking up onto the stage and approaching Marcus. "Mr. Eaton? Sorry to disturb you but do you happen to know where Tobias is?" I question as politely as possible.

Jack Kang, the leader of Candor, stops in the middle of his sentance a stares at me. Marcus turns around and frowns at me for second or two before answering, "I think he's along the front row. You should you better than to interrupt a conversion between adults, Beatrice."

But I've already stopped listening because I caught sight of Tobias. I jog off toward him with a smile on my face; however, he catches sight of me and shakes his head with a 'not today' expression on his face. I stop mid-stride and just look at him. He continues to look at me, before he mouths the word that makes my heart break. _Goodbye._

* * *

Since Johanna Reyes, the Amity leader, is hosting the ceremony this year, the Amity will go last.

"Welcome," she says. "Welcome to the Choosing Ceremony. Welcome to the day we honor the democratic philosophy of our ancestors, which tells us that every man has the his own ways in this world."

I completely zoned out for the rest of her speech, considering it's the exact same every year. Only when the started reading off names did I start paying close attention. Seven transfers from Candor, four from Dauntless, and seven from Erudite. When Johanna gets to Abnegation, I sit up straighter in my seat. She reads off names from Z to A, so Caleb will go before Tobias.

So far, no one has transferred. I'm starting to think that no one will.

Through the haze of my thoughts I hear Caleb's name being called, and snap back to attention. Caleb stands up slowly, and gives me a squeeze on the shoulder before walking down toward the stage. I watch him take the knife and cut his palm, before confidently holding his hand over the gray stones. Abnegation, just as I expected. Still, I feel a little disappointment. He walks back over to his seat and gives me a smile before sitting back down.

For what feels like the hundredth time today, I zone out. I hear Tobias's name called and start to panic. What if he leaves me? I can't be here without him! What if I never see him again?

He stands up from his front row seat and makes his way up to the bowls. I see him hesitate before quickly cutting his palm, blood pooling in his hand as he thinks. Oh, what I would give to see what he is thinking right now. He slowly walks over and stands between two bowls, one filled with grey stones, the other with sizzling black coals. Finally, he seems to come to a decision. I shut my eyes, waiting for his choice. A quiet sizzling sounds emits from the front of the room and I hear gasps all around me. I slowly open my eyes to find Tobias staring at me, looking as guilty as ever. I barely feel the tears as they start running down my cheeks, or Mom's hand as it grabs mine, for all I feel is the emptiness of losing my best friend.

"Dauntless!" Johanna yells over all the voices.

* * *

 **I apologize for any spelling and/or grammar mistakes. I'm really tired. Hope you've enjoyed this chapter ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**So sorry for the delay. I don't really have a good reason for it, so... Thank you to those who reviewed. I'm not going to write down the names, but I still really appreciate the feedback. Keep on reviewing!**

 **Disclaimer: I am not Veronica Roth.**

* * *

 **Beatrice POV:**

 ** _(16 years old)_**

Today was my aptitude test. Up until today, I thought the aptitude tests helped with the process of deciding which faction to go to. But now I realize, it doesn't help at all. At least, it doesn't help me.

Divergent. That's the word the Dauntless woman, Tori, used to describe my result. Abnegation, Erudite, Dauntless. My whole life I've been told that everyone only gets one result on their test; why did I get three? And why is it so important that I do not tell anyone?

The only easy part of choosing was ruling out Erudite; it was never an option for me. Amity seems okay, but I don't think I would be able to stay happy for the rest of my life, nonstop. I would never fit in Candor; I'm too dishonest. But that only leaves Abnegation. And Dauntless.

Over the past two years, Caleb's abuse has gotten increasingly worse, to the point where I had to be taken to the hospital at least three times. He always had an excuse ready: a factionless man had attacked me on my way home, I got trampled by the Dauntless while they were running up the stairs, and I had "fallen" onto the hot stove. I have a nasty scar running from below my right tear duct, along my nose, and across my top lip from "the Factionless Man," and burn scars covering my left arm from the stove. Thanks to him, I know I will not be returning to Abnegation, no matter how bad it hurts me to leave Mom and Dad. That leaves only one terrifying option. The faction that contains my old best friend. Dauntless.

I've always been fascinated with the Dauntless. How they climb statues and jump off of trains and seem to live their lives to the fullest. In Abnegation, anything considered fun to other factions is considered self-indulgent. Even celebrating birthdays. Never before have I done anything daring nor exciting (the most daring thing I've done in my life was befriend Tobias). But tomorrow I _will_ choose Dauntless. Even if it means leaving my family. Maybe I'll be reunited with Tobias; hopefully he'll still care about me.

When Caleb got worse, I finally realized why Tobias left. Marcus wasn't trying to help him, and Caleb isn't trying to help me. When he started punishing me for nothing, I realized that really, he just wants someone to take his anger out on. I don't know Marcus's reasons, but I now know that no reason is good enough for someone to hurt somebody they love. I feel absolutely awful for ever thinking that Tobias may have been doing something wrong. Even if he was, that type of punishment is revolting.

All I have to hold onto is hope. And hope usually leaves everyone with overly high expectations and disappointment, so that sucks.

* * *

A feeling of nostalgia washes over me as I walk into the Hub. It is set up exactly as it was for Tobias's Choosing Ceremony, except Marcus is hosting this year. Because of that, Abnegation will be last to choose.

Squishing our way through the crowds of people, Mom, Dad, Caleb and I find our seats near the back of our section. I wipe my sweaty hands on my robe and try to appear calm. But I am not calm; no, I am freaking out. I can feel my head spinning as all the memories of good times I've had in Abnegation past through my head like a slide show. My throat is tightening and I'm holding back tears of anxiety. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

What will Mom and Dad say? I may never see them again. And Caleb? What if he finds me and hurts me? What if Dauntless doesn't want me, or I'm not good enough? I don't know. I just don't know.

In the back of my mind I hear names being called. James Tucker, Amy Roston, Phoenix Skai, Peter Hayes...

I'm shaken from my thoughts as a hand squeezes mine. Mom looks at me with a sympathetic smile on her face and whispers, "I love you," she pauses. "No matter what."

I look at her and feel confusion. It's almost like she knows what I am going to do. I gave a shaky smile in return.

After all of the other factions have chosen, the first Abnegation name is called. "Beverly Ziegel," Marus calls out. A tall, broad-shouldered girl makes her way to the five bowls at the front of the room. She takes the knife gently from Marcus's hands and slices her palm, blood dripping onto the grey stones. Abnegation.

Awhile later, still nobody has transferred. Not that that is a huge surprise.

I'm chewing on my fingernails when my name is called. Mom slides her hand out of mine and Caleb pats me on the back. I take a deep breath and stand up. I look one last time at my family before I start to walk down the stairs leading to the stage, all the while praying I don't trip. Dad and Caleb looked so sure I was coming back. I make it to the front of the room without incident and lift my eyes up to meet Marcus's. His eyes are a strange dark blue; Tobias's eyes. I glare into them, hoping he understands why. I rip the knife out of his hands and slice open my palm without hesitation. Maybe a little too forcefully because, God that hurt. I breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in... My blood sizzles as it hits the burning coals.

I hear gasps from behind me, and the Dauntless screams of welcome. I let out a nervous giggle. I am selfish. I am brave.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I am not Veronica Roth**

* * *

I walk over to where the Dauntless are seated. When I get there, a guy moves from his seat to allow me to sit down, and I do. I can't help but cautiously look around, taking in the sea of black surrounding me. Some of the Dauntless-born pat me on the back and I flick a nervous smile in their direction. I know I made the right choice, but I still feel guilty. I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.

Nervously rubbing the bandage over my wounded hand, I try to listen to the rest of the ceremony. My old neighbor, Robert Black, transferred to Amity; I don't know what to think of that. But when I really think about it, he was always very nice.

The ceremony is over before I know it, and then we're running. The Dauntless are laughing and shouting as they run up the stairs, but I can't stop myself from quickly looking around, hoping to catch one last glimpse of my family before I leave. Before I can, I'm pushed forward by the rowdy Dauntless.

I turn my eyes forward and start to run. My lungs burn from the unfamiliar amount of use, and it excites me. Finally, I'm free. A breathless laugh escapes my cracked lips as my short legs struggle to keep up with everyone else. Ahead, I see people stopping near the train tracks, and I realize they're going to make us jump on. When I reach the platform I slow down, and an Erudite boy looks at me and says, "Are they going to make us jump?"

"Yeah, I guess," I respond, sucking oxygen into my starving lungs. Beneath my feet I feel the ground start to vibrate, signaling the oncoming train. I see a spec in the distance, increasing in size as it approaches where I stand. Butterflies fill my stomach at the thought of what I'm going to have to do next.

Beside me, people start to run in the same direction as the train, so with slight hesitation I start running too. The sound of the train's iron wheels scraping against the tracks becomes increasingly louder, and soon the train surpasses me. My feet pound against the pavement as I try to keep up with it. Ahead of me I see people attaching themselves to the side of the train and pulling themselves inside: Dauntless-born with a practiced grace, transfers with fumbling inaccuracy. Up ahead, the pavement comes to an end. If I don't get on this train, I will be factionless. I refuse to be factionless. With a burst of energy I gain speed, reaching out for the nearest open door. When the door is lined up with my body, I hurl myself sideways and land halfway onto the inside platform. A pair of hands pull on my shoulders, helping me into the train.

I catch my breath when I'm safely seated along the wall closest to the door. A Candor girl sits down beside me. She has dark skin, short black hair, and teeth as white as I have ever seen: pretty. "Hey, you're from Abnegation, right?" She pauses and frowns a bit, "Well, of course you're from Abnegation, look at you."

"Uh..." Did she just insult me? What was that supposed to mean?

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything. Being from Abnegation is perfectly fine." She flashes another smile at me, "I'm Christina."

I smile back, "I'm Beatrice."

Christina starts babbling about her old faction and her younger sister Rose back in Candor. Hearing the sadness in her voice while she talks about Rose makes me want to cry. Her sadness makes me think of Mom and Dad, all alone in our little grey house. I wonder who will take my night to do the dishes -Mom or Dad? Or will Caleb visit from his house and help? I imagine Dad being angry with me, glaring down at his plate at the dinner table. Mom, sad at my absense, but supportive. And Caleb... he'll be livid. I just hope he doesn't try to find me.

A voice shouts, "They're jumping off!" and I'm startled from my fearful thoughts. I peer out of the opening of the train and see people in further up cars leaping onto the roof of a near-by building. I look down and see an approximate five meter gap between the two, and my eyes widen. I'm going to fall.

A red-haired boy dressed in Amity colors says loudly, "They're making us jump? I can't do that, I'll die," he starts to breathe heavily. "I'd rather be factionless than dead." He goes to a wall and sits.

I stand up while Christina is trying to reason with the Amity boy, and notice that we are running out of room to jump. I grab Christina's shoulder and tell her to leave him. We can't help everyone. We get ready to run, and together we leap off of the train and onto the roof. I hit the rocky pavement with my shoulder, and I feel a healing slash on my back rip open. I curl into myself on the ground as a burst of pain rushes through my back. My eyes squeeze together and I take deep breaths, trying to keep myself from groaning. I peel myself off of the pavement and swipe at the rocks clinging to my robe. I pray to God the blood doesn't seep through my clothes. I see Christina standing in front of me, having already recovered from the jump, and looking at me with furrowed brows. "Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She narrows her eyes in suspicion but turns away. Behind me I hear yells, so I look to see what is happening. A Dauntless-born girl is being held back from the edge by a Dauntless -born boy. The girl is hysterical while she looks down at the ground from above. I walk over to the edge and she a girl, her hair spread out like a fan against the ground, body twisted at weird angles.

Dead. I guess not everyone made the jump. Even the Dauntless aren't safe.

I walk away from the edge and see the group of sixteen year olds gathered on the other side of the rooftop, in the middle an older black man. He starts to speak, "Listen up! My name is Max, I am a leader here at Dauntless. I will not be supervising your training, but I will be around the compound if you have any questions," he gives us a hard look, and I assume he will not be getting asked many questions. Max steps onto the ledge of the roof as if someone hadn't just fallen to their death. "Off of this here ledge is the entrance to the Dauntless compound. If you do not have the guts to jump, you will become factionless. The transfers have the privilege of going first. Anyone?"

All murmurs drop and the group falls silent. The transfer look to one another, hoping someone will step up. A mousy Erudite girl speaks up, "Is there water at the bottom or something?"

Max smirks, "I guess you'll have to see for yourself."

I look to everyone around me and no one looks like they are even considering volunteering. With a sigh of annoyance, I push my way through everyone to where Max is standing. "I'll do it," I say.

He cocks an eyebrow at me and hops down from the ledge. I hear whistles and look behind me to their source. A Candor boy. I shoot him a sarcastic smile then turn back to the task at hand. I look down into a gaping black hole far below me and shut my eyes. Breathe in, breathe out. I open my eyes and step over the ledge.

And fall.

Wind rushes past me, cradling my body in a current. My heart leaps into my throat as I hurdle towards certain death. Darkness surrounds me and I prepare myself to hit the ground. But I don't. My body smacks into something, and I'm reminded of the day Tobias and I met. Pain shoots through my back and I'm thrown into the air again. I hit a net. I lay in it, staring up through the hole that looked so terrifying five seconds ago, with a relieved laugh slipping between my lips.

I roll over to the end of the net and see multiple hands waiting to assist me. I grab the first one I see and I'm yanked down towards the ground. A shock is sent through my ankle as I hit the ground hard, and I cringe. I look up my eyes meet a pair of eyes that I could never forget. The eyes of my best friend. The eyes of Tobias.


	7. Chapter 7

**Review!**

 **Tobias POV (day of Beatrice's Choosing Ceremony):**

Smacking sounds echo throughout the training room as my hands and feet hit the punching bag. Today is the day of the Choosing Ceremony, which means I get to train the newest batch of faction transfers. I have been waking up early every morning for the past week and a half, training my ass off to prepare for initiation. Despite what people think, I don't always train every minute of the day, and I hate running. Peak physical condition isn't my natural state.

My chest heaves as I halt my motion. A stinging sensation lingers in my hands, and I lift them toward my face. The skin on my knuckles has split. I suck in air through my teeth as I clench and unclench my hands. At any other time I would have wrapped them up, but I don't want to show any weakness around the transfers.

Today always brings memories: both good and bad. I remember Marcus, the father who instead of caring for me, beat me into submission of his will. I remember Abnegations many rules and restrictions, the plain and boringly grey lifestyle. But I also remember the good things.

Beatrice.

She was the only thing that made me feel alive. When life weighed down on me too hard, she was always there to lift my spirits. The physical and mental hurt always faded when she was with me. Without her, I don't know if I would have made it to my sixteenth birthday (not that I know when that is exactly). I remember the day we first met, running away from those bullies. I remember the first time I went over to her house when I was nine, and got my head stuck in the stair railing. I remember her comforting me when Mom died, and I remember the look on her face as my blood hit the burning coals.

I blink away the memories flashing behind my eyes and swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. Beatrice will be choosing today. The last day that I have to hold onto the hope that she might follow me to Dauntless. She might re-fill the hole in my chest; however, the chance of that happening is one to five, and those odds are not in my favour.

I hang the rest of the punching bags, then head to the Leader's quarters, where Max's office is located. Apparently there is a change in the rules regarding initiate training that I need to be aware of. When I get there, the door is open a crack so I let myself in. I'm greeted with a face full of Eric. I take a hasty step back, as does he, considering our bodies were nearly touching. He clears his throat and shoots me a glare has he resumes his departure from Max's office. Max sits cross-legged on top of his cluttered desk, seemingly unbothered by the amount of things likely poking him in the butt. I resist the urge to smile at the ridiculousness of the highest ranking faction leader in Dauntless literally sitting on probably important paperwork without giving a damn. Gestures toward the seat in front of him, and I take a seat.

He drops his chin into his hand and says, "So, there have been some minor changes to initiation. Nothing too drastic, definitely nothing to worry about," he yawns. "Sorry, I was up all night babysitting my granddaughter. Kids, am I right? Anyways, the submission in the fights is no longer an option. The initiates will fight until one cannot continue. Secondly, fear landscapes will be moved to the end of training. The way it was before just didn't seem to be working very well since no one knew how to defend themselves in the simulations. That's it."

My eyes widened. No longer allowed to submit? Is he kidding? There is absolutely zero need to push someone to fight. Where is the bravery in that?

"As much as I agree with the decision on the fear landscapes, the submission in the fights is what teaches kids to know when to stop. There is no bravery in being cruel enough to make kids fight each other until they're incapacitated," my anger is threatening to show itself.

Max and crosses his legs and hangs them over the desk casually. "Well, if you hate the new rules so much, you should become a leader so you can have enough power to make decisions. But since you are not, you have to do what I say. Do I make myself clear?"

I take deep breaths as I stare into Max's eyes. I will never become a leader.

I make my way toward the door and when my hand is on the doorknob, Max calls out behind me, "Oh! By the way, Eric will be helping you with the transfers this year." I turn back around and get ready to complain, but Max stops me. "Go! The initiates will be here soon."

I look up at the clock on the wall and see that it's almost noon. Shit, I'm going to be late! Max hops off of his desk and runs along beside me, soon breaking off to run up a flight of stairs leading to the top of the building. My worries race through my mind. Beatrice is going to be here, is she?

I make it to the net just in time to hear the rumbling sound of the train against the tracks overhead. I hope everyone makes the jump this year.

I look through the hole in the ceiling and see Max step into the ledge. Damn, he moves fast. I hear him give his speech, though it's too far away to hear the exact words. After a minute I see Max stepped down from the ledge and another figure takes his place. I hear Lauren say behind me, "Probably a Candor."

The figure steps forward and falls. A blur of grey smacks into the net, and my heart stops. Could it be her? I quickly thrust my hand towards the net, as does five other people. Every year a crowd comes to see who the first jumper is; they probably weren't expecting a stiff. A laugh comes from the net and a second later I feel a small hand grasp mine. I pull the stiff out of the net and steady her.

This girl has dull blonde hair, dead grey eyes, and a long nose. Beautiful. But she's not Beatrice. Beatrice didn't have a scar across her face. Beatrice isn't so dead inside. This girl looks so similar to my best friend, yet so completely different. "What's your name?" I ask her. She seems to contemplate this in her mind before finally speaking.

"Tris," she says p, distractedly. With that, my hope finally disappears. It's unlikely that more than one Abnegation transferred to Dauntless this year. I will never see the Beatrice again. Lauren says something about stiffs, but I'm not listening. All I do is lightly push Tris to the side as another transfer drops into the net, and whisper in her ear, "Welcome to Dauntless."

 **Tris POV:**

When I looked Tobias in the eyes, I couldn't see anything. No happiness, sadness, anger, or most of all, recognition. He either didn't know it was me, or he doesn't remember me, and I refuse to believe the latter. I saw no hint of the Tobias I once knew. All I got from him was an emotionally detached voice droning out, "Welcome to Dauntless." I don't know what to do now. All I can feel is the sting of his dismissal. I blink back tears of pain and anger, and straighten my back. He doesn't need to know I'm here. He seems to be doing just fine on his own.


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm so sorry for the delay. I've been busy with studying for final exams. Writing underlined belongs to Veronica Roth. Review!**

* * *

 **Tris POV:**

I take in my surroundings while the other initiates are jumping. A dark hole in the ground filled with over-excited Dauntless men and women. I can feel the wetness of the air clinging to my skin. Christina, on the other hand, doesn't seem to notice her surroundings as she excitedly tells me how amazing her fall into the net was. I nod my head along with what she's saying, but I can't focus on her. Not when I'm five feet away from Tobias.

He definitely changed in his time away from Abnegation. No longer is he the tall, skinny boy I remember. Although his height did not change, he built some muscle. He's no bodybuilder, but more of an athletic build. His eyes seem to have gotten bluer, or maybe that's the lack of natural light. But it's definitely a shock to see him wearing black, rather than grey. It's even more of a shock when I find myself thinking of how attractive he has become.

I turn back to Christina once I realize I had turned to look at Tobias. He can't know I'm here. I don't want him to; not when he couldn't be bothered to even try to recognize me. That hurts me. It really does.

The last jumper falls into the net, still screaming, and Tobias pulls her onto the ground. After she's stopped yelling and calmed herself, Tobias steps away. The Dauntless share a collective giggle at her fear before quieting down. A girl with dreadlocks steps into the middle of the crowd and starts to speak. "Hey, my name is Lauren, I will be in charge of the Dauntless-born. This is Four," she points at Tobias, "and he's in charge of the transfers. So if the Dauntless-born could follow me to your dorm, since I assume you don't need a tour of the place." She heads towards a narrow hallway, and the Dauntless-borns follow closely behind her. By now, all of the Dauntless observers have gotten bored and left, leaving the transfers with 'Four'.

Tobias pushes himself off of the wall he was leaning against and walks to a different hallway than Lauren, all the while he remains silent. We all scramble to keep up with him as he walks at a fast pace. I noticed a tattoo peeking out of his shirt, creeping up is neck. I'm surprised. I never thought he would ever get a tattoo. He stops suddenly and I slam into the person in front of me. I quickly apologize. I hear muffled yells up ahead.

"Through these doors is the Pit, the centre of the Dauntless compound," Tobias says.

Christina snickers beside me, " The Pit? Clever name."

Tobias looks in our direction, and the look in his eyes makes me fear for Christina. "What's your name?" He asks, his voice low.

She pauses. "Christina," she says wearily.

Tobias raises an eyebrow, "Well, Christina, if I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction." He turns back around and pushes open the doors.

Sound explodes out of the doorway and we all enter the place known as 'the Pit'.

"Oh," Christina says, "I get it now."

The Pit is a large space with holes all over its cave-like walls. Every hole has people inside of it, either shopping or eating. I see that I am very high above the main level, where the Dauntless are laughing and running around, carefree. I hope that one day I'll be like that. But not today. I have too many things on my mind. Tobias lets us ooh and aw for a couple minutes before leading us down an uneven flight of rocky stairs. When we reach the bottom, people stop to look at us. I notice some staring at me in particular; I don't know if it's because of the grey clothes or the scars. Maybe both. Self-consciously I tug down the sleeve covering my left arm and look at the ground. _Please don't look at me like that,_ I want to say.

I start to walk faster and Christina keeps up with me. She looks over at me with worry etched into her face. She whispers in my ear, "Don't worry about what they think. That scar is badass."

I look over at her and smile, even though I disagree. My scars are not badass. They're terrible reminders of the life I left behind.

We walk for about five minutes before I hear the sound of water splashing violently. We round a corner and come to a ledge. Tobias stops us and turns to face us. "This right here is the chasm," Tobias shouts over the roar of the water. "It reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy! A daredevil jump off this ledge will end your life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You've been warned."

I shuffle closer to the ledge and immediately notice the sharp drop. Water gushes and swirls in all different directions and splashes against the chasm wall. A fall would surely kill a person.

"Beatrice," I look up and see Christina waving at me from a while away. Cursing under my breath, I hastily catch up with the group.

Falling into step with Christina, I gently correct her, "Actually, I think I'm going to go by Tris here."

She raises an eyebrow, "You changed your name within the span of twenty minutes?"

"Sort of. It's a nickname," I respond. She shrugs and looks forward.

We walk for another few minutes down a curvey hallway when I started to smell food. It's pretty obvious that we are headed towards a lunch room or something. I wonder what Mom and Dad are having? Probably chicken and rice, as always. The food is always plain at home. Well, at my old home.

It's surprising how thinking about chicken can make me want to cry.

We come to another set of double doors, and Tobias pushes them open. A burst of sound immediately hits my ears. We all walk through the door way. I stoponce I am in to take in my surroundings. A bunch of tables are set up around the room, each with a group of people occupying them. People are running around with food trays in their hands, laughing. Everyone turns to look at us as we enter and start to yell. They holler their excitement at us, welcoming us to their faction. I smile.

Christina and I go to line up where we get our food. Once we have it, we look around for a spot.

"Let's go sit over there," Christina says and start walking towards a table. I follow her lead as she weaves her way through the groups of people, try to prevent her food from falling to the floor. She makes it to the table and sits down. I look around at the people seated at the table when I see Tobias. Damn. She just had to pick _this_ table, didn't she?

With the way she sat, I have to squish myself between her and him. I set my tray down and try to make myself as small as possible. I stare down at my food. I can't look at him. He's just too close.

I pick up my food and look it over. A circular piece of meat with two circular pieces of bread on either side. It smells fantastic, but it looks kind of gross.

I must look confused because Christina says, "What, you've never seen a hamburger before?"

I look at her.

Her eyes widen. "Wait- you've actually never seen a hamburger before?" She says in awe.

I shake my head no.

"Stiffs eat plain food," I hear coming from the other side of me. I hesitantly turn my head towards him to see that he is already looking at me. His blue eyes stare into mine with such intensity, I'm forced to look away. _Yeah, you should know better than anyone,_ I want to reply.

Tobias leans over and grabs a bottle full of red sauce and sets it onto my tray. "Here," he says, "it helps with the taste."

"Thanks," I mumble in return, grabbing at the bottle.

"The Abnegation's diet mostly consists of peas, chicken, and rice. They don't eat many other food, so it's normal for her not to know what a hamburger is. It's fascinating really," an Erudite boy sitting across from me babbles. He has blonde hair and green eyes.

"It's kind of creepy that you know that about stiffs. I thought the Erudite hated everything to do with them?" Christina says.

"Most do," the boy responds. "But I'm not one of those people. I'm sort of impartial when it comes to the Abnegation." He smiles widely, showing off his pearly white teeth, "Nice to meet you guys. I'm Will."

"And I'm Al," a big Candor boy cuts into the conversation. "You know, just in case you guys were wondering."

"We weren't," Christina replied truthfully. Honestly, I didn't even know he was there.

I tune out the rest of the conversation since they're now just debating over whose faction is better. It must be fun to worry only about simple things like that; meanwhile I sit over here worried about bleeding through my robe. The blood seeping out of my back earlier seems to have clotted, which is both good and bad. The bleeding has stopped, but now my back has started to heal to my robe. Changing clothes later should be a real treat. I wonder what Tobias was feeling at this time two years ago. Was he as nervous as I am? Or was he happy to be away from Abnegation? I wish I could have been with him. But would he have wanted that, too? I don't know. I just don't know.

My stupor is broken once I realize the room has fallen silent. I look around, confused, then I see the cause. A man not much older than I walks across the room, confidence oozing out of his every pore. He has long, black, greasy hair and so many piercings on his face I lose count. He looks dangerous. I'm going to have to stay away from him.

The man strides over towards our table. My eyes widen a fraction of an inch. _Why is he coming over here?_

He reaches our table and I feel Tobias tense beside me. The man has a smirk on his face as he pushes Tobias' food tray to the side and sits on the table top. "Four, I've been looking for you," he says.

"Yeah? Why's that?" Tobias asks with a monotone voice.

"Well," he clicks his tongue, "Max said he had something he wanted to talk to you about."

"You can tell him that I'm happy with the position I currently hold."

The man drops his smirk, "He was offering you a job?"

Tobias takes a deep breath before answering, "Yep." The two sound as if they could be friends, but the tenseness in Tobias' shoulders says otherwise. Are they friends? I don't think so.

The man grunts in response and turns to face the rest of the table. He makes eye contact with Christina, then me. He looks back at Tobias, smirk back in place. "Aren't you going to introduce me?"

Tobias looks up from the table, "No."

The man's eyes narrow as he glares at Tobias. Tobias lets out a small sigh before saying, "This is Tris," he nods his head towards me, "and that's Christina." He looks over at us and says, "This is Eric. He's a leader."

"What?" Christina says, "But he's so young!"

"So? Age doesn't matter here," the man, Eric, replies defensively. Then he hops off of the table, announcing that the transfers are to meet him outside the cafeteria in ten minutes. He then walks away.

I turn to Tobias, confused. "I thought you were our instructor?"

"I am. But he will be supervising at times," then I hear him mutter 'sadly' under his breath. This makes me smile. Back when we first met, he could never keep his thoughts to himself. I see that in him now. I used to think he belonged to Candor, but after his mom died, he stopped speaking his mind. I suspect Marcus is the reason why, and it makes me sad. Why don't I want him to remember me again?

I really look at him for the first time. He has a slight shadow of stubble on his jaw, which is also a lot more defined. His black t-shirt pulls tightly against his biceps. His hair is slightly longer than I remember it, now curling behind his ears. His eyes are a deep ocean blue that I can't take my eyes off of. And those eyes can't take themselves off of mine. Wait, what?

"What's wrong with you? What're you looking at?" He asks rather rudely. I resist the urge to defend my actions and apologize. I look down at the table.

Would he want to know I'm here? Would he care? I don't know what to do. But honestly, am I really that different from two years ago? I haven't looked in the mirror for about two and a half years now, but I don't feel much different. Caleb said I was to never look in the mirror, even when Mom cut my hair, because I "know better". But Tobias has known me for most of my life! How in the hell doesn't he recognize me?

* * *

The other initiates and I stand outside of our dorm room with Eric. He talks about the initiation process and what we should be able to do by the end of each stage. For each stage he explains, my anxiety grows. Fighting? Knife throwing? Gun shooting? Simulations? I'm getting less confident in my choice to come to Dauntless. I'll just have to work extra hard.

"The rankings for each stage will determine how well you are doing compared to your fellow initiates. You will train separate from the Dauntless-borns, but you will be ranked together," he pauses, and a small sadistic smile creeps onto his face. "The rankings will also determine who gets cut."

The breath is forced from my lungs. Cut?

I hear murmurs around me and rapid questions being thrown in Eric's direction. But all I can pay attention to is my own terror. I know what being cut means. Factionless. And factionless is not an option for me. I need to be in Dauntless. I didn't transfer here for nothing. I will make it. I will.

Nothing better get in my way now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry again for the delay. I've been uncommonly busy. Please review!**

 **Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Veronica Roth, except for what I added in.**

* * *

 **Tris POV:**

 _I take off my backpack and throw it onto my bed, not bothering to hang it on the hook. Today was a particularly boring day of school. Candor arguing, Amity singing, Erudite studying, Dauntless fooling around, and Abnegation either doing absolutely nothing or letting people take advantage of their nature. Same stuff, different day. The teachers have been giving us extra homework for the past couple of weeks, in their attempt to prepare us for "adulthood". And by adulthood, I mean the Choosing Ceremony that is soon to arrive. I still don't know what to do and its freaking me out. Should I stay, or should I go? I hope the Aptitude test will give me some clarity, because at the moment I'm screwed._

 _Laying down onto the bed, I let out a deep sigh and stare at the ceiling. After a few minutes I decide to go help Mom make dinner when I hear my door open. I look over to see Caleb step through my door and shut it behind him. His face shows no emotion as he walks toward me. I take a nervous gulp and say, "Hey! How have you been? I haven't seen you in a while."_

 _He doesn't answer. He just stands at the end of my bed staring at me. A couple of seconds later I clear my throat and spit out, "Uh, I'm going to go help Mom with dinner," and make a move to step around him._

 _He grabs me by the arm and pulls me so his face is inches away from his. "You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay right here and explain to me why you decided to fuck me over," he spits at me, eyes glaring into mine with a vengeance._

 _My eyes widen. "W-What? No! I would never-"_

 _"Don't lie to me, you bitch, you know what you did. You know how much I wanted that job! Why the hell would you fuck it up for me?" His hateful words bring tears to my eyes, and I can feel my arm starting to bruise from his forceful grip on it._

 _A sudden burst of anger at his ridiculous accusation brings me to hiss, "Why do you think I did something? You fucked up all on your own!"_

 _I watch as his eyes darken and before I even know what is happening, I'm on the floor and my cheek is stinging. I clap a hand over my cheek and look down to the floor, tears leaking out of my eyes. Caleb crouches down next to me and whispers, "I bet you hope I'll scream at you, huh? So Mom and Dad will run upstairs and save you, like the selfish little thing you are. You always seem to find a way to make yourself the victim here. Hey, look at me." He grabs my chins and jerks my head in his direction. "Well guess what, princess? Not everything is about you. You should know that by now." He stands up and makes his way to the door. Looking over his shoulder he says, "Clean yourself up. No need to unnecessarily worry Mom and Dad."_

 _After the door shuts behind him I sit on the floor staring at it. The tears have dried up, and after what feels like an hour, but was only a few minutes, I pick myself up off of the floor. I smooth down my robe and press my hands to my cheeks, trying to cool them down, and pray that my face hasn't bruised. I take a deep breath and open my bedroom door, mentally preparing myself for another anxiety-ridden dinner._

* * *

I wake to the sound of heavy sobs, and I am confused. _Is Caleb in my room? Why is he crying?_ I open my eyes to see nothing but darkness. The loud sobs continue with slight hiccups, each sob containing such a sadness that my chest feels heavy. I furrow my brows in confusion and a bit of fear as I slowly lift my head away from my pillow. What the hell is going on?

The sound of metal being stretched directly above my head makes me pause. A second later the sobs become muffled. My head drops back onto the pillow as I remember where I am, and I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. How could I forget?

After we decided where each one of us would sleep in the dorm Eric brought us to, we all went straight to bed. No change of clothes, no nothing. Christina and I picked beds directly next to each other, so we could have 'girl talk', as she refered to it, before we went to bed each night. Somehow I don't think we will be up for much girl talk in the months to come. The dorm is one large room with six sets of bunk beds lined up in the middle, and a bathroom with no door, no shower curtains, and no privacy for those going to the washroom. There is no seperation between the girls and the boys, which makes me nervous. Not only has my Abnegation upbringing forbid me to take my clothes off in front of the opposite sex until marriage, but my scars and freshly re-opened wounds will be exposed to a larger group of people than if there were a seperation. Also, girls are a little more respectful of each other's privacy, considering we all have the same parts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But that is something to deal with in the morning.

The cries from the bunk above me belong to Al, one of the biggest people here. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel the slightest bit of disgust at how weak he is. Especially coming from someone his size. The instinct to comfort him is strong, but I resist. It wouldn't help either of us in the long run, anyway.

Rolling onto my side, I begin to think about my dream. Or really, memory. I had forgotten about that day until now. Though I'm still not sure what he was talking about that day, I'm almost positive that he made his excuse up, considering it made no sense. It was obvious that I did nothing to sabatouge him, or his chances of getting that job. Not that he cared. He was just happy to have a reason to take out his anger on me.

He hadn't been home in two weeks before that day. I can still feel the dread I felt at seeing him standing in my doorway. The dinner afterwards was tense and I ate quietly, not wanting to upset Caleb further. Every once in a while Dad would ask Caleb a question, and he would respond quickly. I noticed Mom looking at me a couple of times and I remember being worried that my face was bruising.

That was a normal night. It usually never got any better than that.

I don't realize I'm crying until I feel a wet patch under my cheek, soaking through my pillowcase. But I don't sob like Al. I will not be weak. I will keep my sadness to myself, because I refuse to let my past get in the way of my future. Caleb may have been in control of me in Abnegation, but he will not control me here. He will not ruin me. I will not allow it.

* * *

A loud crash reawakens me from a deep sleep, and several groans echo throughout the dorm. Somebody shouts at the noise to shut up. I look around the room, my eyes grasping to see the cause of the noise in the darkness when the lights turn on and I am momentarily blinded. The groans become louder as the crashes increase in volume. I see Tobias standing at the door, banging a flashlight against a metal rod on one of the bunk beds.

A small smile forms on my face as I swing my legs over the side of the bed, toes curling against the coldness of the floor. Christina sits up in her bed yawning. Her hair is a mess and her shirt is twisted halfway up her stomach, but she doesn't seem to notice as she flops off of her bed onto the floor. My small smile turns into a full blown grin as I watch her peel herself off of the floor, grumbling about how life shouldn't exist at this hour.

From the front of the dorm Tobias shouts, "Transfers, you have twenty minutes until training starts. So if you want to have breakfast, I suggest you get a move on it." His announcement brings on another bought of groans as people start to jump out of their beds. "Your change of clothes is in this bin," he gestures toward the bin beside him. "Choose the correct size. Then meet me in the training room." He walks out of the door, seeming to have forgotten that he didn't show us where the training room is. I guess we'll have to figure it out ourselves.

My eyes widen when I remember my back. It is probably soaked in blood by now. My breathing picks up as I press my back into my pillow, hoping that nobody behind me saw it. I shut my eyes and try to slow my breaths, my fingers loosening their tight grip on the sheets. I can do this. I'll just wrap my blanket around myself and everything will be fine.

Something hits me square in the face and I blink. A black shirt and pants lay on my lap. "I guessed on the size but I'm pretty sure I got it right," Christina says from beside me while stepping into a pair of black cargo pants, seeming perfectly comfortable with the fact that she is not wearing a shirt in front of other people. I divert my gaze to be respectful, blush lighting up my cheeks. Out of the corner of my eyes I see her pull on her shirt. Almost everyone has already left in the hopes of grabbing a quick breakfast before training. "Tris," Christina says. "What're you doing?"

I look around and see the door close behind the last person, leaving Christina and I alone. I clear my throat and say, "Just go without me. I'll meet you there."

Christina pauses, considering, then lets out a chuckle. "I get it. Abnegation modesty," she says as she starts walking towards the door. "See you in the training room," and the door shuts behind her.

I shoot up out of the bed and run to the attached washroom. I reach behind me to feel my back, and feeling hardened cloth crunch under my fingers. Cursing, I carefully peel off my robe, cringing as the fabric detaches itself from the wounds. Almost immediately, I feel warm blood trail its way down my back. Once my robe is fully off, I tie it around my midsection to try and absorb the blood seeping out of the lashes. Frantically, I open cupboard after cupboard in the hopes of finding some bandages. I pull open a drawer under one of the sinks and finding three rolls of bandages and two rolls of medical tape. I sprint over to the showers and hop in one, peeling off my remaining clothes. I turn it on to the coldest setting and shriek as the freezing water pounds into my back. After a few minutes the water is only slightly red, and my back is numb. I pull my underwear on and wrap my back as quickly as I can. I step into the stiff black cargo pants and pull on my shirt. After mixing my bloodied robe into the trash bin, I pull my wet hair into a ponytail and race out the door, frantically searching for the training room.

I turn a corner and my body smacks into someone else's. I stumble backwards and apologize to the person. I start to run again when a hand grabs my arm. "Where are you going? The training room is that way." Max, the leader who was on the rooftop, points behind me.

"What? Where?" I ask.

"Take a right here, then a left, then go straight until you hit Corridor C, and it's the third door on your left," he says slowly.

I review the directions in my head and then take off, throwing a thank you over my shoulder.

I burst into the training room just as Tobias shoves a gun into Will's arms. He snaps his head in my direction and scowls. Everyone's eyes are on me as Tobias says, "I'm glad you could finally grace us with your presence." He raises an eyebrow, "You're late. Get in line, or get out."

* * *

 **I was going to keep going, but I figured I have kept you all waiting long enough. I really hoped you enjoyed it. Review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm gonna stop apologizing for late updates. I mean this is a fan fiction... Not exactly a reliable source. I would REALLY appreciate it if you guys could leave a review on your way out. I'll even take your criticism.**

 **So I have come to realize that chapters 1-6 all suck and I am super sorry for it. I hadn't a clue what I was doing but I hope that I have gotten better now.**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

 **Tris POV:**

Bang. Bang.

 _I duck as a plate smashes into the wall above my head, showering me with shards of broken china. "Stop! Please, I'm sorry!"_

Bang.

 _"How dare you come over here and ruin my things! How DARE YOU!" Another plate shatters against the floor. "HOW DARE YOU!" I curl into a ball in the corner, fear tearing its way through my body and escaping in the form of sobs. Something else shatters at my feet and I flinch violently, smacking my head into the wall behind me._

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

 _"I didn't mean to, I swear!" I plead, lifting my head from my knees. A mixture of tears and spit make my hair cling to my face, and all I want to do is go home. "I'm sorry! Please don't do this!"_

Click.

 _He holds another plate behind his head and whips it at me with all his strength._

Click.

 _I'm on the floor, clutching the right side of my face, a cry forcing itself up my throat. Oh god, how it hurts._

"Tris."

 _I wake up in the emergency room, head wrapped in bandages. A factionless man attacked me, they said. Did I remember what he looked like? What he was wearing?_

"Tris!"

I'm startled form my memory by a hand grabbing my arm. My mind clears up and I notice that Will has my arm in his hand, and is looking at me strangely. "You've been out of bullets for two minutes."

My eyes stay locked with his in confusion before I look around and notice where I am. Indeed, I am out of bullets. But I don't remember shooting the gun.

Absentmindedly my hand reaches up to run across the ragged edges of the horrendous scar. I still remember how the plate felt slicing its way through my skin and shattering my cheekbone. Not only did I have to have a metal plate implanted in my face, but I also had to get my nose set back into place. Though instead of the cute little nose I had before, I was left with a crooked mistake. I'm lucky to still have vision in my right eye, though poor because of a scratched cornea.

I quickly load another clip into my gun and starts shooting before anyone else notices my little episode. I haven't hit the target once, and I'm getting frustrated. Everybody else has, so what the hell? Shouldn't I have at least hit it by accident?

I stop shooting and groan in frustration. I'm never going to pass initiation if I can't even hit the damn target.

Remembering how Tobias showed us, I plant my feet shoulder width apart and take a deep breath, focusing all of my attention on the center of the target. My gaze locked, I place my finger over the trigger and squeeze. The kickback causes me to jump, and when I look towards the target I see that the bullet hit just outside the middle ring. A breath escapes me that I didn't realize I was holding in, and a smile lifts the corners of my mouth. Great, now I only have to do that about thirty more times. Oh, the joy.

"I see you've got it all figured out. And it only took you ten minutes longer than everybody else," I hear Peter mock at me. "No really, congrats. I'm surprised you managed to even find the target, let alone hit it." Without even looking at him I can tell he's smirking at me, and I feel his gaze burn into the side of my head. I'm surprised when I find myself tempted to turn around and smack him in the face. With a bullet. Instead, I refocus my attention onto the target and fire off the rest of the clip. None of the hits were as good as the first one, but they all hit this time. It's a start.

* * *

We break for lunch and I couldn't be happier for it. My arms ache from holding up a gun for so long and I'm in need of a glass of water. Christina and I sit down at a table with Al, the crybaby Candor boy. Every time his gaze catches mine, I feel as if he can see right through me; that he knows I heard him crying last night. I try to avoid eye contact with him.

The Erudite boy, Will, drops his tray onto the table and slides into the seat next to Christina. Taking a bite out of his sandwich he says between bites, "Hi."

"Make yourself at home, why don't you?" Christina says rolling her eyes, sarcasm dripping from her words.

Without even looking up from his food he says, "Thanks," and proceeds to drape his legs over Christina's lap. Disgusted, she shoves them off and Will chuckles with a mouthful of lettuce. I snort. They would be cute together.

Christina and Al start reminiscing about school, and I zone out. I hated school. Will and I begin to talk about training, and Al throws in that he needs more practice with the guns. Same here, buddy.

Talking to these people, in this incredibly new place is refreshing. Like waking up on a morning when you know that you don't have to do anything that day. Easy, simple, yet exciting. I feel as if I can finally be myself. And that is a feeling I could definitely get used to.

* * *

 **Four POV:**

"You know that girl I was dating last year? Sienna? Well you'll never believe what she did last night," my best friend Zeke shamelessly gossips. "She came to my apartment, and when Shauna opened the door she started going off on this big rant about how good she's doing without me. And how her new boyfriend works at the tattoo parlor so she gets all these 'sweet deals'. Like, am I supposed to be jealous? He can have her! She has the personality of a goldfish and I can't have that cramping my style. I am a man made of personality, so a goldfish doesn't really go with my flow, you see."

I snort. "Jesus. What'd Shauna do?" I ask, taking a sip of my soda.

He leans back in his seat and throws his arm over the back of my chair. "Oh, she handled that fiasco like a champ. She smiled and slammed the door. I probably would've handled that with a little more flare, but that works, too. I'm telling you, that girl's my queen."

Zeke has been my closest friend since I arrived at Dauntless. Though he's a complete idiot, he makes up for it in the looks department. His hair is black and shaggy, his skin is the color of cream coffee, and his bright green eyes always hold a certain mischief to them. He can't go six minutes without cracking a joke, but that's what I love about him. He keeps things light and fun, and that is definitely something I needed when I first arrived here. He noticed the dark cloud that seemed to follow me around and latched himself onto me like a koala. It was like he made it his personal mission to get me to smile, and when he finally did I couldn't get rid of him. But by that time I no longer wanted to.

Right now we are sitting at our usual table in the cafeteria as I wait for the initiate's break to be over. I didn't grab much to eat, but Zeke brought enough food over for the entire table. Mostly cake. He loves cake.

Today I have been teaching the initiates how to shoot a gun, and I'm quite surprised at how awful this new group is. I expected at least half of them to hit the target within three minutes, but I'm fairly certain only one person did. I don't know how this new group is going to survive here at Dauntless. Everybody sucks.

But one thing caught my eye during this lesson. I couldn't help but notice how Tris, the Abnegation transfer, didn't even seem to notice when she ran out of bullets. She just kept shooting without hesitation. Badly, might I add. I was about to intervene when the Erudite transfer snapped her out of it. She seems like a weird child, but I don't care enough to know why. The only person from Abnegation I care about is not here, and this weirdo will not change that.

Other than that, the lesson was fairly normal. Everybody eventually hit the target, but still I hope that this group does better in the other stages. Having an entire batch of transfers get cut on my watch would kill my reputation; kid with four fears or not.

I sip on my soda and stare at the clock on the wall as Zeke continues to talk about all of the pyscho things Sienna did back when they were still dating. That girl was pretty crazy. I still remember when she assumed I was gay and threatened me anytime I came near Zeke. While it was hilarious, eventually it got annoying, so I decided to teach her a lesson. She was worried about me hitting on Zeke? Trust me when I say I gave her something to worry about. But that's a story for another time.

Lauren, the Dauntless born instructor, sets her tray onto the table and slides into the seat across from us. She has a sour expression on her face when she says, "You guys shouldn't make fun of Sienna like that. She was heartbroken when you dumped her. Show a little compassion, would you?"

Zeke's eyebrows are pulled together and an incredulous expression is plastered on his face. He looks exasperated when he loudly says, "But she cheated on me!"

Lauren stops slurping on the soup on her tray and looks up at Zeke through her lashes. "Haha, oh yeah," she says laughing, pointing her finger at him. "Loser."

"You should be glad. You dodged a bullet," I add. I grin as Zeke starts shitting a brick over the 'loser' comment and my gaze travels back to the clock. Only one minute left in the break, so I might as well start rounding them up now. I wave goodbye to Zeke and Lauren and announce to the whole cafeteria, "Transfers! Follow me!" About a dozen kids stand and hurry to catch up to me, depositing their lunch trays in the baskets near the door. I push through the door leading to the pit and make my way to the sparring room, with the hurried steps of the initiates struggling to keep up to my fast pace.

Approximately three minutes of walking later I push into the room. I hung up all of the punching bags early this morning, and in the process I dropped one on my foot, so they better be thankful. I didn't do all this work for them to fail, so they better start using maximum effort.

Walking up to the chalkboard and turn to face the initiates, who have lined up behind the punching bags. "As I said this morning," I say, "next you will learn how to fight. The purpose of this is to prepare you to act; to prepare your body to respond to threats and challenges- which you will need if you intend to survive life as a Dauntless."

Today we will go over technique, to see how well each person responds to instruction and their ability to execute properly. Tomorrow they will fight each other.

I name a few different punches, first demonstrating in the air then on the punching bag. I don't know why, but this came like second nature to me. I picked this stuff up as quickly as imaginable and I couldn't be defeated. Not even by Eric.

After I shown them the basics I stand off to the side and watch as the initiates attempt to re-create my actions. A couple of minutes in I start walking behind them, studying each one as I pass by. Myra, the smallest initiate, is all flailing arms and awkward kicks. I stop and re-demonstrate some of the actions, telling her to use more of her knees and elbows. Edward looks like this is not his first time, so I move onto the next person. Christina, the big mouth Candor, seems to be doing all right. I stop behind Tris and watch her hit the bag. She has a similar problem to Myra, but is slightly more graceful.

"You don't have much muscle," I say, "which means you're better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them."

I walk closer behind her and press my hand to her abdomen and twist her so she's facing forward. I open my mouth to speak when I catch sight of something familiar. A patch of darker skin that runs from underneath her right ear to the base of her neck in the rough pattern of a star. I know that birthmark. I saw it every day back in Abnegation.

Realizing I have kept my hand on her for too long I murmur out, "Never forget to keep tension here," and slide my hand away, backing up with quick steps. No.

It can't be.

Why does she look so different? Why didn't she say anything? What the hell happened to her face?

My head is spinning and all I can think about is either running to her or running from her. I can't believe she's here. This is all I have ever wanted.

But now that I have her I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach her anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be close anymore, and it scares the hell out of me.

I can't do this right now. I have a job to do, and I need to do it well. I've been preparing for her to arrive for years; I can handle a couple hours more of wait before bombarding her with questions.

My best friend is finally back with me.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed this long awaited chapter! I'll love you forever if you review on your way out!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, I have returned. So while I have much planned for this story I'm not quite sure how to end it. I don't think I want the war to happen, mostly because it seems hard to keep track of the story while also remembering to write about battles and war strategies, but I am open for ideas. If you have an ending that you would like to share that I could twist into my own it would be greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy Chapter 11, and tell me how I did on your way out!**

* * *

 **Four POV:**

The bottle clutched in my sweaty hand makes its way to my lips again and I feel the alcohol burn its way down my throat. It doesn't sit very well in my stomach, but that doesn't stop me from chugging it down like a man dying of thirst. My head has already started to feel the effects of the many beers I've finished earlier on in the night. I can't remember why I started drinking. But I guess that means I've accomplished my goal.

Setting down the bottle I swipe the back of my hand across my mouth and stare at thee bottles lining the walls behind the counter, their glass twinkling with the reflection of the lights hung from the rafters. I'm one of the only people here, spare for a couple of drunk dancing burnouts. I shouldn't be here myself, considering that I still have to train the transfers tomorrow. But every time I start drinking I always have a good reason. So I'll just have to drink a lot of coffee in the morning.

"Hey Mister Bright Side, don't you think you've had a little too much to drink?" Lil, the short blonde bartender quips. If I squinted hard enough she could pass for Tris…

I slump back into my chair and groan as I remember why I'm here. Beatrice… Tris.

Lil mistakes my groan as acknowledgement and starts to gather up the empty bottles in front of me, including the bottle lazily gripped by my fingers. I make a sound of protest.

"Listen, I'm not gonna be responsible for…" she waves her hand up and down, gesturing at me, "this. Whatever this may be. I don't care if you go somewhere else and continue making your dumb choices, but when your drunk ass falls into the chasm I will certainly not be to blame, ok? You are hereby cut off."

"Hey, I got you this job Miss Bossy Pants. I was your instructor, remember?" I say, but still stand up and start towards the door. Just before I leave I turn back and yell to her, "But thanks for looking out for me… sort of. You were always my favorite initiate." I swear I see some blush light up in her cheeks as she waves me off and starts swiping my empty bottles into a recycling bin behind the counter. I chuckle.

I stumble out the exit and make my way to my apartment. In a moment of drunken stupidity I look over the edge of the walkway down at the pit and immediately my heart speeds up. The height is really starting to get to me so I look forward once again and pick up my pace.

In the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of blonde hair and look in its direction. Beatrice's Candor friend is dragging her up the path in my direction, talking a mile a minute as my eyes lock with grey ones. I slow my pace as my past best friend and I stare at each other. Maybe it's the alcohol still running its course through my veins but time seems to slow down, if only for a few moments. For a second I see something flash through her eyes: something I never ever wanted to see in them. Hurt. I know I've caused it. Just as she's about to pass me I grab onto her forearm, lightly pulling her toward me. Nothing is said between us. My heart runs at a thousand beats per second, the hand not holding her arm clenching and unclenching. Nothing escapes me. She says nothing. I say nothing. I am a block of ice frozen in place, unable to speak.

The Candor, who I've long forgotten was there, looks between us in confusion before coughing loudly. "Hi Four! Uh, we were just on our way to the stores on the upper levels. We'll, uh, have to get going if we want to make it there and back by lights out. But nice… talking… to you. Bye!" She stammers out before continuing to pull Beatrice up the path. Her arm slips out of my hand as she gets further away and the loss of contact breaks me out of my trance. I manage to say her name once before she breaks eye contact and runs up after the Candor.

My feet are glued to the ground, my mind a bowl of pudding, my thoughts doing gymnastics around my head. I said nothing. When I should've said everything.

* * *

 **Tris POV:**

My mind races a million miles a minute in the heat of our stare. He's so beautiful. So beautiful that I can almost forget about him forgetting me, and leaving me behind in my worst nightmare. But not quite.

I feel the walls that cracked around me mend and thicken as I remind myself of how he hurt me. So he finally remembers me. It sure took him long enough.

Christina breaks the silence, telling Tobias of our shopping plans then yanking on my arm. As I run up after her I break eye contact and my arm slips out of his grip. My steps falter for a slight second when I hear him behind me, blurting out my name through his cracked lips. "Beatrice…" His voice is shaky, uncertain.

I keep my eyes trained of the back of Christina's head. I will not allow him to make me weak. I won't allow it.

Christina pulls me into a store called _Valiente y Peligrosa_ and pushes me into a dark corner. "What was that? Did something happen between you guys that I don't know about?"

"It's complicated. Don't worry about it." I know that she's one of my only friends here, but I've only know her for a couple of days. I don't yet trust her with my personal life.

She raises her eyebrows and scoffs, resting her hands on her hips. "Complicated? That stare was not complicated, it was downright creepy." Her eyes soften and she drops her arms to her sides. "Listen, if something is… _going on_ between you two, I don't care. Just tell me."

Something about the way she says it, as if it is her fundamental right to know everything about me, annoys me. "No, we are not dating, Christina," I say sharply, looking into her soft brown eyes. "We will never _be_ dating, okay. Just leave it alone."

I walk around her and out of the corner, wandering further into what appears to be a clothing store. I don't look behind me to see if she followed, but I feel her eyes burning holes into the back of my head, as if trying to sneak her way into my thoughts. I feel bad for snapping at her like that, but I spend enough time thinking about Tobias on my own that I don't need somebody asking questions about him.

Christina appears beside me with a tank top hung over her arm, and pulls a pair of black jean pants off of the rack I was pretending to look through. "Here," she holds them out for me to take. "I guessed your size again but they might be a bit too big." She smiles and shoves the outfit towards me. "I'm sorry for prying into your business. I'm nosy, I can't help it."

I take the outfit from her and nod to acknowledge her apology. I don't think I am in the mood for much shopping anymore.

She smiles wider and wraps her arms around me. "Good, for a second there I thought you were mad at me."

A small laugh bubbles out of me and I wrap the arm that is not trapped between us around her shoulders. "No, you're okay."

Unexpectedly she squeals in my ear and drops her arms from the hug, bolting off behind me. When I turn around she has a black shirt with lacy straps held out in front of her. She then stops a boy who is covered head to toe in tattoos and asks, "Excuse me, do you know where the change rooms are? Me and my friend here have some stuff we need to try on." The boy points to a door hidden between two racks of clothing and Christina takes off towards it.

I groan internally at the thought of trying on clothes. Then I groan externally as Christina shouts at me to hurry up.

I drag myself over to the change rooms and step through the curtain separating me from the rest of the store. I notice a mirror hooked to the wall and quickly look away, still not quite used to the amount of mirrors at Dauntless. They're everywhere.

Without looking into the mirror I strip off my clothes and pull on the new ones, careful of the fresh wrapping I changed out this morning.

The jeans are a bit baggy, but the tank top thankfully covers most of my back. Turning around, I hesitantly look into the mirror hanged on the wall and see a few healed wounds poking out of the top at my shoulders. I guess I'll just have to lie again. As always. I've gotten pretty great at lying over the years.

I stop and take time to look at myself. I'm scrawny, short. Not very intimidating. _Weak._

The longer I look at myself the more I see. Small cuts marring my arms. Big cuts marring my back and shoulders. Lumpy ribs from untreated fractures. Broken beyond help face. _Weak weak weak weak weak._

Is this how people see me? This small, broken little bird in front of me? How could I have let myself become so bad?

Tears slide down my cheeks and I start to shake, bringing my hands to cover my broken face. An inhuman sob threatens to tear its way out of my throat, so I clamp my hand down over my mouth. My shoulder hits the wall beside me and I slide down until I hit the floor, desperately trying to hold in the sobs.

I look into the eyes of my reflection and see a disgusting sight. I see a girl too scared to help herself, too stupid to see what was right in front of her. She loved him, the boy who she had played jump rope with as a little girl. She loved him, the boy she tried so hard to be like, proper and perfect. Abnegation. She loved him, the boy who hated her. The boy who took to hurting her instead of helping her. I hate her.

She's the reason I've been so powerless. She's the reason I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past four years. I am she. She is me. _I hate myself._

 _I. Hate. Myself._

"Tris?" I hear above me, and I wipe the tears dripping down my face and neck. I feel Christina crouch down beside me, and pull my hair away from my face. Without meaning to, I take an embarrassingly loud gulp of air and hide myself from her gaze.

The next thing I know she wraps her arms around my quivering body, as if trying to keep me from falling apart. "I know that we haven't known each other for very long, but you're safe with me. I will never judge you. I want you to know that," she says, her voice shaking.

She doesn't ask what happened, and I'm grateful for it. I don't have the strength to lie right now. My lip starts quivering again and I bury my face in her neck. "Don't you dare treat me differently now. Please."

She lets out a small breathy laugh. "Of course not." She pulls back and wipes the remaining tears from my cheeks. "Just remember, you need to fall before you can rise up again. And you will rise," she rises from her squatted position and pulls me up with her, "even if I have to drag you up myself."

She's right. I know it. But first I need to wallow in this pain. I need to let it consume me so I can hold my head high tomorrow, free of today's weight. I need to let myself be sad.

Because one this day is over, and all this sadness has been diminished, I'll burn down the world, one house at a time.

* * *

 **I'll update again soon! Please review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Happy New Year!**

* * *

The space around me is completely silent, spare for the sound of my heavy breathing and the buzzing of a broken light flickering above my head. The floor is hard against my spine and the coldness of it seeps into my skin and clutches my bones like a ghostly feeling of dread. I should probably go back to the dorms, but my head is a ball of lead and I cannot seem to lift it off the mat. My knuckles are bleeding from striking hard leather but the pain signals get lost somewhere on their way up to my brain. I don't blame them, I would avoid having to go up there, too.

It was when Christina and I went back to the dorm room for lights out that I began feeling agitated. I could not will myself to calm down, and I could feel my heart rate rise with each second that escaped me. I couldn't sleep—not when I was so frustrated.

A hurricane of emotion swept through me. Despair at the ignorance of my parents and how I wished they could have seen what was happening to me. Guilt for selfishly wishing Tobias hadn't left me alone in Abnegation. Disappointment in myself for being too weak to let go of my past. But most of all, anger at Caleb for making me the coward I wish I wasn't. A person who is still scared to death of the chains that no longer bind her.

After everyone was asleep I had quietly sneaked out of the dorms and carefully made my way to the training room. When I got there I spent the better part of the night beating the punching bag, throwing all of my frustration into every punch. My heart beat in my throat and a scream was trapped in my chest. I wanted him to hurt. I _want_ him to hurt.

By the time I had exhausted myself the voices of the Dauntless outside the training room had long faded out, leading me to believe it was late in the night. And now as I lay on the dirty, sweat-stained mat I can't help but imagine what my childhood would have been like I had been a part of a normal family.

I see myself playing with Tobias at the park as a kid and Caleb joining in, all of us uncaring of the time we have left to be regular kids. Me and Caleb making funny faces at each other across the dinner table and getting scolded when we giggle. At Caleb's choosing ceremony, feeling relief as his blood dripped onto the grey stones instead of dread. At my choosing ceremony, smiling because I knew I wasn't going to let anybody down. It would have been perfect. Wetness trails from the corner of my eye into my hair.

I wonder what is going on in Abnegation right now. I can imagine the condolences being offered to my parents. Nobody would say it to their faces but they are all thinking the same thing. _We're so sorry, you couldn't have known you had raised a traitor._ No, they couldn't have. They did not notice much.

I want to be angry at them for their ignorance. I want to scream at them for refusing to see what I was going through, for turning away from my pleas for help. But I can't. It's not their fault that they were taught to stay out of other people's business. I never directly asked for help, and they never directly saw that I needed it. I lived in a place where all anybody did was help those in need, and I was too ashamed to ask for it. Because I'm a coward. A fraud and a coward.

I have been here, on the floor of the training room, for a decade. Staring at that flickering light and its inability to decide whether it wants to continue to shine or burn out, all the while being nothing but a flickering nuisance until it finally decides. Back in Abnegation, I had hope for a future brighter than the dullness and ignorance of the present. That maybe over the horizon there was an oasis I had yet to discover and the only way to get to it was to push my way ahead, damn everything behind me. I thought I could leave my past behind and move forward with my new life in Dauntless. But alas, every hope of mine was made in vain, for Dauntless is no oasis and my past is as present an issue as ever. Now, as I stare at that bothersome light, I cannot help but compare it to myself, an indecisive fool whose own too-high hopes left more damage than relief.

 _Five of the twenty lights are burnt out,_ I notice, staring at the cracked ceiling as my eyelids, two sacks of sand, start to sag. _How many Dauntless does it take to screw in a light bulb?_ I think to myself. _None, apparently, because nobody does it._ I chuckle at my own joke and before I know it my eyes are closed and my body sinks into the mat as I fall asleep.

* * *

I jolt awake as I feel something hit my side and my head bounces off the hard ground. _The ground? Why am I on the ground?_

"Hey Stiff," a deep voice taunts directly above me. "You have to be in your dorm from lights out to when we come get you, as per the rules. I think I have to punish you." I squint up into the bright lights overhead and my eyes focus on a pile of piercings. That's right. I must have fallen asleep in the training room last night. God, I'm tired.

In my sleep-hazy state, my tongue is looser, so I'm slower to stop myself from snarking back at him. "You think? Shouldn't you know?" I ask, pulling my sore-from-sleeping-on-the-ground body up into a seated position. "One would expect disorganization from initiates, but leaders? Yikes."

Suddenly I am yanked up by the back of my neck so I am face to piercings with Eric. I forget about the pain when I see the expression on his face and I immediately regret opening my mouth. He looks unhappy.

A flash of movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention and my eyes involuntarily flick over. I get a glimpse of Tobias pulling a chalkboard out from behind a bunch of weights, trying to look like he wasn't paying attention before Eric pulls my face even closer to his. The look in his eyes reminds me of the dog in the aptitude test as if he were preparing to attack.

My breath catches in my chest and my excuse rushes out like vomit. "I just wanted to get some extra training in."

I hold my breath as I watch his eyes scan over my face hungrily like he wants to tear it off with nothing but his teeth. His eyes return to mine, staring intensely when the smallest, most creepy smile tugs at his lips. He hums under his breath and his tongue pokes out to fiddle with a ring through his bottom lip. "Well, in that case, you have nothing to worry about," he breathes out, his breath oddly smelling of a blueberry muffin. "I'll be sure to give you the training you deserve." He brings a hand up to my face and picks up a strand of uncombed hair before throwing it over my shoulder. He says apathetically "Have a shower, you look like shit," then shoves me toward the door with the hand still locked around the back of my neck and walks off toward Tobias. I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest even though he has moved away from me. Despite him not being much older than I am, he still gives me the willies.

I can feel eyes trailing me as I make my way to the door and I do not look back for fear that it is Eric. I walk faster and pull the door separating me from the Dauntless population open and slam it shut behind me before scurrying towards the dorm room.

* * *

Everybody is already up and changing when I step into the dorm room, much to my surprise. It's later in the day than I thought. A shirtless Peter standing in front of his bunk smiles at me and watches as I get closer to him. I narrow my eyes at him, feeling suspicion at his strange look. The closer I get to him the tenser I get, and I plead silently to be left alone as I try to focus my attention on Al who is standing behind him. "Say, I don't remember seeing you in your bunk last night." Dammit. He steps in my path, forcing my gaze to land on his naked chest and I look away fighting off a blush.

"How thoughtful of you to have noticed. I didn't know you cared so much about me."

He sucks in air through his teeth as he leans against the bunk opposite his and feigns remorse. "I make it my business to know who breaks the rules. They're in place for a reason, you know. Sounds like something a leader would like to hear about."

Molly, Peter's tank-like friend, slides into the space between Peter and me and adds overdramatically, "You're right, they _would_ like to hear about that. I think you should tell them. Who knows what she'll do next? First, it's breaking curfew, next it'll be selling faction secrets."

I huff and try to push my way past them, fed up with their teasing. "Eric knows what I was doing. Go ahead and tell him what he already knows, I'm sure he'll love that."

"Wait, hold on just a minute." His hand splays out across my chest and pushes me so I'm once again in front of him, and I jerk back away from his touch."You were with Eric? What were you doing with Eric?" His face is stretched into a dumbfounded grin and his eyes are wide, staring at me like I accidentally revealed a secret.

"No way, I thought you were doing Four, not Eric," says Drew, who I just noticed was lying on the bunk above Peter's.

"You know what they say, the more the merrier." Molly snorts.

My eyes widen in horror and a deep disgust climbs up my throat when I think about what they are implying. Is that what they think of me? How _dare_ they.

Just in time before I explode Will squeezes himself through the barricade they built in front of me, a calm yet stern expression on his face. He comes to stand beside me and places a hand on my crossed arms reassuringly before turning on the group of chuckling ex-Candors. In a stern voice to match his expression, he says on my behalf, "I'm sure she has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Though whether it's any of your business is still up for questioning."

All three of them tamp down their chuckles but their smug smiles remain. Will, though, doesn't seem thrilled at their carelessness. "This may surprise you, but some people are actually good enough to succeed without cheating. You should try it," he snaps, eyes narrowed. With that, he pulls my arms and leads me away from them.

I glimpse Peter glaring through Will's skull before I turn to face Will. "People think I'm 'doing' Four and Eric?" I force out through the lump lodged in my throat, built from my own mortification.

He pulls me over to where Christina and Al sat gathered, squeezing himself between the two on Christina's bunk. I stay standing. He picks up a pair of socks off of the bunk and slides them onto his feet, taking his sweet time to answer my question. "Well, I wouldn't say 'people', as in plural. I would say that _they_ sure seem to think that," he says, much too slowly for my liking. As if the slower he speaks the less awful it will sound. "I mean as far as I know."

Disgust, fear and embarrassment battle for dominance in my stomach making my insides twist and nausea creep up my throat. I don't even want to think about that, let alone do it. How can anyone think this of me?

"Hey, hey," Will back-pedals after noticing my expression. " _I_ don't think that. Christina and Al don't think that. And _you_ know you would never do that, right? That's all that matters."

"Screw those guys for thinking like that. They're just trying to make you uncomfortable. To throw you off balance, or something," Christina adds dismissively as if their comments were nothing but a minor nuisance. Which they are, I guess, but that doesn't stop the blush from pinkening my cheeks or stub the want to crawl under my bunk and die at the thought of anyone picturing me naked with Tobias, or Eric, or anybody for that matter.

I grab the water bottle left on my nightstand from the night before and take a swig of it, leaning back on my bunk. My tongue is starting to stick to the roof of my mouth.

Will and Christina are already talking about something else, each absorbed completely in the other's presence, but Al keeps his eyes locked on me. I feel him scan me from head to toe and manage to hold back a shudder when a blush lights up his cheeks and he looks down at his hands. Feeling the need to cover up I sink down onto my bunk, but as I do my shirt stays stuck to the side of the top bunk, almost being pulled over my head before it peels off with a tearing sound. Bewildered, I lean out of the bunk to see, spray painted in big red capital letters, the word "STIFF" plastered across the side of my bunk. My eyes widen and I twist around to look at the back of my shirt and see big wet red streaks across the back.

"Oh, yeah, don't lean on that. They did it, like, seconds before you got in," Christina cringes.

"And you just watched them do it?" I demand, taken aback by such a childish prank.

"No!" Christina fires back, crossing her arms over her chest, clearing offended. "I told them to stop but I draw the line when someone aims a paint can at me. I'm trying to keep my showers here to a minimum until I can get to one with a door, and I would definitely need one if I had paint all over me."

With a sigh I fall face first into my pillow, wishing it were the thin, cardboard-like pillow back in Abnegation. Maybe I am unwelcome here. But it's not like I can leave, nor do I want to. I want to do well, and I'm not changing my mind because people can't act like adults.

I peek over at Christina and watch her attempt to wrangle her short black hair into the world's tiniest ponytail. I almost smile. Huffing, she pulls the tiny ponytail out, grumbling about how her hair always finds its way into her mouth. She un-squeezes herself from beside Will and stretches as she stands, announcing that she will be going to breakfast. Will stands up so quickly that his head bounces off the top bunk with a loud crack and he falls back onto the bunk, groaning and cursing and clutching his reddened forehead in his haste to follow her.

I snort, burying my face back in the pillow.

After they've left for breakfast I lift my head to make sure everyone is gone. Myra leaves after a minute or so and I'm alone, so I strip off my soiled shirt and throw on a new one before leaving for breakfast as well.

* * *

"Oh, shit," Christina says and turns to me, eyes wide in worry. "Of all people, you're fighting _him."_

We are both standing in the training room at the back of the group, behind the whiteboard Tobias dragged in this morning. Now, though, it is covered in our fight pairings. And I, as lucky as I am, am paired with Peter. Of all people, indeed.

Eric slaps his hand on the back of my neck, startling me from my dread. One look at his toothy smile and I know what he meant earlier by "give you the training you deserve". I shouldn't have snarked at him like that. Now I'm going to become a stain on the mat on my first day of fights, and prove to him and Peter and everyone else that they were right to think I don't belong here.

Drew and Edward go first. Then Myra and Christina. Unlike yesterday during practice when Christina fought Molly, she won. And she wasn't hanged from the railing of the chasm. Next is Al and Will.

"Are you alright?" I ask Christina when she rubs her jaw, right where Myra punched her.

"Yeah, she doesn't hit too hard. I almost feel bad for knocking her out." I didn't disagree, but Eric said to fight until he stops us.

Over on the mat Will and Al circle each other, neither one wanting to throw the first punch. I can see Eric's patience fading quickly and I will them to just hit each other. When they're still circling each other half a minute into the round, Eric's voice booms at them to stop being panties and get on with it.

I see a look exchange between the two boys before Will throws a punch. It hits Al square in the chin, and when he recovers he looks mildly surprised. I see Will's eyes fill with determination and I know that he will try as hard as he can to win.

Al shakes off the punch and seems to notice the renewed focus in Will, too. He picks back up his fighting stance and throws a wide, sloppy punch in return, which Will dodges. With Al thrown off balance from the momentum of his throw, Will pushes him to the ground, gets on top of him and socks him in the gut. Al, being larger and stronger, rolls over and pins him to the floor with his weight and throws all of his weight into swinging his fist into the side of his blonde head.

Will goes limp underneath him and his eyes widen, as do mine. He pushes himself up onto his knees and shakes him. One loud, dark laugh bursts out of Eric. Christina runs up to Will and grabs one of his arms. Al takes the other in a daze and they both carry him off towards the infirmary.

Now it's my turn.

My eyes follow my friends on their way out the door, avoiding the eyes of my new opponent for as long as I can. _If I can't see you, maybe you can't see me._

"Stiff!" Eric shouts, and I reluctantly walk towards the mat, eyes glued to the floorboards. Deep breath in, exhale. I can do this, I have to do this. _Come on, Tris, crush this arrogant prick.  
_

I step onto the mat and force myself to look at Peter. He wears his lopsided smirk like a curtain obscuring sadistic intentions, but his gleaming eyes reveal his truth. He wants to make someone hurt. Correction: he wants to make _me_ hurt. I can't let him, not while all of these people are watching and judging us. Not ever.

He is much less intimidating with his shirt on, and for that I am grateful.

"You okay there, Stiff?" Peter says. "You look like you're about to cry. I might go easy on you if you cry."

Over Peter's shoulder, I see Tobias leaning against the door with his arms folded over his chest. We lock eyes and for a moment I see concern flash through his eyes. I can hear Eric's foot tapping rapidly on the floor with impatience.

Peter's face becomes obscured by his fists as he lowers into his fighting stance. He looks like an animal, ready to pounce on its unsuspecting prey.

"Come on, Stiff," he says, his eyes glinting. "Just one little tear. Or are you trying to look tough in front of your boyfriend?"

His implication makes me want to gag, and in a moment of irritation, I kick him in the knee. Or I would have, if he hadn't shifted to the right making my leg swing into the air, knocking me off balance. I land on my butt and scramble to my feet as quickly as I had fallen. He can't kick me in the head if I'm on my feet.

"Stop playing with her," snaps Eric. "I don't have all day."

Peter's lopsided smirk disappears from his face and suddenly my head is snapping back with the force of his fist. I can feel my brain smack the back of my skull and my vision blurs. I didn't even see him raise his fist.

My ears start to ring and suddenly I'm with someone else. I can feel the presence of a memory forcing its way into the forefront of my mind. Time flows like ice as black transforms into grey and suddenly I can do nothing but stare in horror.

Then I tip.

A kick blows through my ribs, my stomach, my chin. I look up into green eyes, dark hair, and white snarling teeth. I reach out and pull as hard as I can on the first thing I feel. _This isn't real this isn't real he isn't here this can't be real._

The floor shakes with the thud of a body dropping to the mat and I roll over and quickly straddle it. All of my weight packs into a punch aimed at his head but he smacks it off course with his forearm, making my upper body fall to his chest. He holds my fist away from me and cracks me in the head with his own head. The last thing I hear is an angry-sounding muffled shout before my vision darkens around the edges and I fall unconscious as he slams his head into mine once again.

* * *

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